We all know the feeling of taking things personally. Someone says or does something upsetting, and instead of seeing the full picture, we instantly interpret their actions to be about us or because of us.

To be clear, this is not always a bad thing. We might take something personally when an agreed boundary has been crossed, or someone has been aggressive. In this way, taking something personally can actually be helpful as it may prompt us to set or reset boundaries, or leave a harmful situation.

AND, often we take things personally and realize afterward that doing so did not help us.

When I asked the group at a recent Connection Games about what they experience when they ‘take something personally,’ they shared:

It hurts … I feel angry and vengeful ... I become defensive, protective, judgemental… I feel like I did as a child … I feel ashamed / not good enough … I bring myself down and doubt myself … not enough … I stop feeling my body … I judge myself … lonely.

Can you relate to their experiences?

It is for these moments that I offer you five powerful tools to help you take things less personally.

Tool #1: Feet on the ground, breathe, and notice where you are

Feel your feet on the ground, notice your breath, and bring awareness to where you are in your physical space. This is a powerful way to stay present and connected with what is actually going on.

Tool #2: Maybe this is not about you

Consider that maybe it is NOT actually about you. Maybe it’s about them. Maybe the person is having a hard day or wants to feel important. Perhaps they are having digestive problems, or they’re feeling especially insecure. The list of possibilities is endless.

We can even say this in our mind as we feel our reaction coming: “Maybe this is not about me.” This can help us to keep our hearts open, and give us a chance to get curious about what’s going on for the other person, rather than what we automatically interpret it to be.

And, when “maybe this isn’t about me” doesn’t do the job, consider…

Tool # 3: Maybe it is about you

This tool has two powerful components.

The first is: Maybe, yes, you HAVE done something uncool. Maybe you crossed a boundary, acted like a jerk, told a lie, etc. This tool can help you see that so you can own it. Try doing so with grace and humility, and see what happens.

The second is: Maybe what is happening is activating a part of yourself that you don’t like. Otherwise, you wouldn’t take it personally. It may have something to do with an insecurity, or a part of yourself that you doubt or do not fully accept. Maybe you CAN be selfish, or controlling, or sensitive, and you don’t like that. This tool can help you notice these parts of yourself that might need some extra love, compassion or empathy.

Tool # 4: Try to get your needs met

Whenever we are taking something personally, there is likely a need that isn’t being met. As someone at Connection Games wisely shared: “If I don't take care of my own needs, I am more vulnerable to taking things personally.” But first, we have to identify what those needs are.

Of course, this isn’t always easy. Here’s a list of example needs that may help you:

CONNECTION: acceptance, affection, appreciation, cooperation, compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, nurturing, respect, safety, support, trust
HONESTY: authenticity, integrity, presence
AUTONOMY: choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity

Once you’ve identified the need, is there something you can ask for to get that need met?

This tool gives us the courage to open up and be vulnerable, name what is going on, and ask for what we need… without blaming the other. This does not guarantee we’ll get what we need, but it at least opens up the possibility.

And if they can’t give it to us, then what?

This brings us to...

Tool # 5: Give yourself love and empathy 

At this point, if we are still taking something personally, there is almost certainly a part of us that needs some love and empathy. Perhaps it’s your inner child, or some especially insecure part of yourself. Can you take a moment and find the space inside to offer these gifts to yourself?

Take a moment right now, if you like, to feel into your heart… feet on the ground, aware of your breath, and welcome what is here right now.

You are worth it.

All the parts of you are worthy of acceptance and love.

And who better to give these things than yourself?

-Text by Riley Drever.

How to Take Things Less Personally

Different Opening Questions